Mumsnet v Tiger Mum

Two very different styles of parenting

Stricter Chinese parenting or the softer Western model - which works better? Newsnight's Liz MacKean met the Tindley children with their Chinese mum and the more relaxed Swattons to compare.

School's out, the sun is shining and the Tindley boys are settling down - for a maths lesson.

The Tindley boys have been brought up with Chinese values

Their practice is paying off, as their mum Vivian proudly tells me: "They're both very good, they're both top five. Ethan is top three, Joshua is top five."

Vivian is originally from Taiwan and was brought up by parents with traditional Chinese values towards education.

She wants seven-year-old Joshua and Ethan, who is six, to benefit from a structured upbringing, with routine and discipline: "Work has to come first."

But the boys also like to play and, when I first met them, they were knocking balls around with their coach at Rickmansworth Tennis Club, watched by their Dad, Steve.

He is English born and bred and his wife believes their children get the best of both worlds: "We combine West and East. Western parenting is more laid back."

Good jobs

The Swatton family would agree with that. Liz and Peter have four grown up children. Six-year-old Alfie is their youngest and his mother doesn't believe in parental pressure.

Alfie has recently decided to drop swimming lessons, with his mum's support. "If we get to the stage where it's becoming 'I don't want to do that' or they're not looking happy, they don't have to do it... Kids need to be kids and do what they want to do."

Author Amy Chua debates with Justine Roberts of Mumset

The older Swatton siblings are all doing well in life and Liz is confident in her approach: "We've not put any pressures on them. They've found their own way. They've all got good jobs."

The three boys we met may be subject to different parenting styles and they are clearly flourishing.

But the latest figures from the Department for Education suggest pupils with a Chinese background are pulling ahead in the classroom, even those from poorer backgrounds.

Using the usual measure of GCSE results, 58% of all pupils not eligible for free school meals scored five good passes.

But they were outperformed by Chinese pupils who qualify for free school meals - 68% of them got five good GCSEs.

Extreme coaching

The East/West parenting divide was debated at the annual literary and arts festival in Hay-on-Wye this year, with publication of two books that highlight the differences.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is an often hair-raising account by Chinese American Amy Chua of how she drilled her two daughters to musical success.

Liz Swatton did not believe in putting pressure on the children

Admitting how "in retrospect, these coaching suggestions seem a bit extreme", she recounts how her daughters were denied play dates and sleepovers.

The book, written with plenty of humour and irony, caused outrage when it was published in the US.

The second book, Mumsnet Rules, from the UK website's founders, describes itself as offering a "broad spectrum of good enough ways to parent."

It includes the deeply reassuring advice: "Don't buy a guinea pig for your child."

Unhappy childhood

At the festival, I met the Chinese classical guitarist Fei Yang who has her own perspective on this debate.

She says that her own parents made great sacrifices to ensure her success, even sending her to live with her guitar teacher while she was growing up in Beijing.

But she too paid a price: "I'm very happy doing what I'm loving to do and that's why I'm successful. Looking back, I had a very unhappy childhood and, looking back, it does matter for me."

When I ask her whether she would have been the player she is today, travelling the world and thrilling audiences, she says: "I might be a different player but I might be a better player."

On this point, both the Tindley and Swatton mums are in full agreement. They both tell me that the thing they most want for their own children is happiness.

Where do you think the balance should be between freedom and discipline in bringing up children? How do you think the way you were brought up has affected you in adult life?

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